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Thursday June 15th, 2000 - Once again, haven't updated in a while... but I'm not going to bother trying to remember all of those inconsequential days, because only one matters. Gone to Germany now, so no updates until I get internet again. Not that anyone is LOOKING at this since I didn't advertise it at all. Tuesday June 13th, 2000 - I started off today by getting up (by accident) at 8 or so in the morning. Took a shower, put on my black longsleeved shirt. Black underwear, a black bra, black jeans and my black steel toed boots. In my pockets were my NIN ticket, $200, my bus pass, my lighter and a phone card. I took the bus downtown, and then another to the ferries. Irritatingly enough, on the same ferry were ALL of the people who refused to let me stay with them. KS said I couldn't go with them because there were "too many people" the cars were full. Why did they let Ira join their group that morning, then? L and XB were going to let me stay with them, but then arbitrarily decided not to. Only thirty hours before the show. Then he told KS he thought I had "bad timing" and "get annoying fast." Stupidly, I actually had let myself thing all of these people liked me, if just a little bit. Thanks for nothing, all of you. DC said I could meet him after the show and stay at his place. I didn't really want to, it wouldn't exactly be convinient, but I had no one else to stay with and wandering the streets of an unfamiliar city all night didn't sound like much fun. So, I took the ferry, avoiding these people as much as possible. L came over and asked me how much the shirts had been when my friend went to a show in Detroit. I should've said "I don't know" or something, but since I'm a nice girl, I told him. Then he went away. I got off the ferry, took a bus downtown, met DC. We wandered for a bit until he got bored and went home. I got his cel number for after the show. I sat around Pacific Centre for an hour or so. At 6:30 I took the Skytrain to GM Place, there were lots of people around so I didn't feel stupid for coming so early. I sat around for a bit before going inside. I saw KS and them while I was in line. Went inside, bought two shirts for $90 (!). One has half a nin logo on the front with "the fragile" underneath and the tour dates on the back with "Where the fuck were you" written above them. The other one (my favourite) is longsleeved with a NIN logo on the front, and "Too fucked up to care anymore" on the back, with "fragility v2.0" underneath. I got a green wristband thing to prove I was allowed onto the floor... went to said floor, put my shirts on (bad idea! bad!) and sat there waiting for the show to start. Saw KS and them, they ignored me again. Someone near me made the comment that it'll be "so nice to watch everyone sit here peacefully for the show." Hah. Kinda looked for L and XB, but not very hard. After not too long, A Perfect Circle came on. No one danced much, their music is pretty slow. Maynard said one song was about a woman he was seeing for about a year, she drove off in his car and he never heard from her again. "It's okay, it was just a Honda Miata, I didn't really want it, but it still pissed me off. This song is called "Where's my fucking Miata, bitch?!"" Then their set ended, and we all stood there for a while waiting for NIN to come on. I should've tried to get closer to the front, but I'm stupid and thought I could get up there while they were playing. I saw LR and C, talked with them a little bit. Some girl asked me "aren't you hot in that?" Yes, I certainly was. She asked if I'd been to any concerts before, which ones, ever been in a mosh pit before. She said if I needed to grab on to someone to feel free to grab her... Hah... I felt kind of patronised there, but... oh well. Once they came on, it started getting really fucking hot in there. Because I foolishly was wearing three shirts and a jacket, I got very, very hot. Once I was on the verge of passing out, I went over to the side to lean on the fence thing. God it was fucking hot in there. After a while I tied my jacket around my waist and recovered. I tried again to get up to the front, still didn't quite make it, there were three or so people in front of me. And then who do I discover beside me, but SS. After a few more songs I was getting hot again. SS asked me how I was doing, I told him I thought I was going to pass out. He asked if I wanted to go up, I said "yes" and he let me sit on his shoulders. Finally, I could SEE Trent instead of just hear him. He made eye contact with me a couple of times (I was the only one sitting on anyone for a while, so he noticed). I blew kisses at him, and I *think* he did in fact smile. I might be just delusional, but I'm going to go with that. Ah, Trent. I'm in love with Trent all over again, just because I finally got to see him live. It's only been what, six years that I've been waiting for this? *sigh* I was starting to not like NIN as much as before, but I got all excited again once I got the ticket. And now that he's smiled at me (I think), I'm all enthralled again. Trent is pretty sexy for someone so old. I think I'll write him a letter. "You may remember me, I was the girl at your Vancouver show with the incredibly messy hair sitting on someone's shoulders blowing kisses at you." He probably won't remember. I'm sure I'm not the first to do that. Oh well. I hope he tours Europe while I'm there. I'm so glad I got steel toed boots. I didn't get stepped on! Rather, I did, but I didn't feel it! Much better than the Type O show. After he played Hurt, I got off of SS's shoulders (I feel kind of bad about making him let me stay up after he told me it was starting to hurt or something.) Then I went off to buy a program/tour book thingy. It cost $20, I think I got the last one. Then I phoned DC, told him where to meet me... we walked to Rebar, which is darkwave night at "The Drink Nightclub." They were carding everyone at the door, I almost got in but then the bouncer was like "hey, wait, do you have any ID?" I think they were only doing it because they'd been advertising a NIN after-party, so there'd probably be lots of underage people trying to get in. DC went in, got CL to come out, I made sure he didn't hate me (DC for some reason thought CL thought I was a bitch.) CL went to talk to his friend who is good friends with the owner to see if they could get me in. When he didn't come out after a while, DC and I went around the back, to the alley and walked in a wide open door. Foolish club owners. This place was awesome, they didn't play a single song that I hated. Siouxsie and the Banshees, KMFDM, Skinny Puppy, VNV Nation... yay! I saw AN there, we talked, we don't hate each other anymore. I saw CM there, we talked, we don't hate each other anymore. I drank half of CL's beer and let him kiss me. Some people looked at my NIN tour book, I saw BF there, who I hadn't seen in a while. Apparently Dave C was there, but I didn't see him. The last song was Soft Cell's Tainted Love. People laid down on the floor and wiggled. I saw a few other people from last time I was in Vancouver, it was nice to see these people one last time before I moved. I'm still pissed at everyone who ditched me. *sigh* I guess I've got to be less "annoying" or have better "timing" or something. Maybe it's just Canadians are lame. Americans like me, maybe Germans are... like Americans, in that respect. Oh well... I'll get to see lots of awesome concerts, like Skinny Puppy's reunion show. Yep. I'm cool. And stuff. Wednesday June 7th, 2000 - Haven't updated in quite some time. Today I stayed home from school, didn't feel up to going. Nothing exciting happened. Went for a walk at midnight to have a smoke. Oh, and some girl I've never spoken to in my life called me a whore today. I wasn't even THERE. The conversation wasn't about me either, but for some reason she felt compelled to include me. It drives me nuts when people I don't even KNOW say horrible things about me. Why? Am I that easy a target? Is it THAT much fun? Tuesday June 6th, 2000 - (This entry was written June 7th) Went to Ross Bay Cemetary with my writing class. It's pretty there. They're recruiting volunteers to be guides for lantern tours and such. Too bad I'm moving, or I'd do it. There's like 28,000 people buried there! There must be tons more to it than what we saw. Monday June 5th, 2000 - (This entry was written June 7th) All I remember about today is that I went to school, went to writing class, left the room the second the teacher left and ran into XB in the hallway and then went to Video Arts class with her. Returned the camera after taking more footage. Oh, and MC snubbed me like mad. Don't know why. Maybe it was nothing. *sigh* Sunday June 4th, 2000 - (This entry was written June 7th) Went to XB's house. L was there. We watched Memories (just the first part). Then we went outside so I could smoke. There's a building not too far from her house with many odd looking things on top of it. We decided to go to it and see if we could get on top of it somehow, but the only way to get in is by getting someone who works there to buzz you in like on apartment buildings. So we went to Shopper's Drug Mart. They stole st then wadered a bit and ended up at Save-On-Foods. Instantly, we were being tailed by people employed to catch thieves. I pointed this out, and then we followed them for a while. We checked our blood pressure and pulse on some blood pressure checking machine. My blood pressure is lowest and my pulse highest. I'm leet. Anyway, after a while we left and the store people arrested L for stealing. It was a little silly of him to not put that stuff back once I pointed out the people following us. *sigh* They didn't charge him though. Then after a while I went home. I forgot a CD there. Damn it. Saturday June 3rd, 2000 - (This entry was written June 7th) Went to see Mission Impossible 2 with JT. He bought me cigarettes and subway. Friday June 2nd, 2000 - (This entry was written June 7th) I doubt I did anything today but complain about how I'm not doing anything. Thursday June 1st, 2000 - (This entry was written June 7th) I KNOW I complained about not doing anything, because I remember it. No school today because of the Grad ceremony. I am not graduating this year, although I should be. *sigh* Oh, and I watched Scream on TV. Wednesday May 31st, 2000 - (This entry was written June 7th) Today I lamented my lack of friends and stuff. Joy. Tuesday May 30th, 2000 - (This entry was written June 7th) I think today was the day BB started talking to me again. Whenever it was, BB is talking to me again. Sunday May 27th ~ Monday May 29th - These two days are forgotten forever. I might've gone to see Mission Impossible 2 with JR and others, but it might've been a different day. Who knows. Saturday May 26th, 2000 - Slept in, astonishingly enough. After being bored for a long time I asked JR if he wanted to do anything. I went over and after a while we went to pick up Jean and then we went back. He bought us liquor and Subway. So I got drunk. Then I passed out, around 1:30. Then I woke up around 4, and after spending like fifteen minutes lacing up the boots I got yesterday (20 eyelets, steel toes) I walked home. At 4AM. Then I read The Pelican Brief for two hours. My mother went through my drawers looking for things to sell at her garage sale. You'd think that my reluctance to do so myself would indicate that I had no wish to sell my belonging, but no, she went and did it the second I left the house. Christ. Friday May 25th, 2000 - Got up at 11:30. Went to school. My teacher STILL hadn't marked my script, so I guess it didn't matter that I missed two days of class. She said she thought it might be inappropriate and that Mr. Harrison (the principal) wouldn't let me film it because I'd be filming it around school with school equipment. So AB and I went to the principal and asked him. We told him about the parts that Ms. Turner pointed out specifically, and he thought they were hilarious. So I just can't show it to anyone but the teacher once I film it. I told Ms. Turner that, and she said "Well what's going to stop you from doing that once it's filmed?" Which is quite the interesting point. What WOULD they do? Kick me out of school? Oh no! Then I'd go to Germany and cry about it. So I think I WILL show it to everyone, unless it sucks. I just found out I lose the internet after June 25th. Bleh. So my last five days will be spent in my house not talking to anyone. Because the only time I get out is when I beg someone on ICQ to do something with me. No one ever asks ME to do anything. Gosh, I wonder why. Thursday May 25th, 2000 - Slept through my 8:30 class. That happens when you fall asleep at like 6 in the morning. Fuck. Woke up, thought it was Friday (even though I knew it was Thursday when I went to sleep). If it had in fact been friday, I could've made it to me 12:40 class about ten minutes late. Alas, it was not to be. As I was waiting for the bus, I had a smoke. I wasn't sure what time it was, but I figured the bus would get there when there was just enough of my smoke left to not be worth saving, but too much to just throw away. Yes, it happened. I saved it anyway. Got on the bus, remembered "hey, it's THURSDAY." Then JR got on ths bus. He was on his way to work. We talked about not much. Then he got off the bus, and I got off a couple of stops later and finished my smoke. Then I walked to Choices. GJ was at JJ (his wife's) table in Bastion Square. She does palm reading, usually in their shop (also in Bastion Square) but there was some reason to be out there. Anyway so GJ was there. I hadn't seen him in about two months. He asked how I was doing, I said crappy, and told him about BB hating me. He said he knew BB hated me because he'd talked to him about a month ago. Blah blah blah... we talked a lot about BB and past lives and connections misinterpreted and whatnot. Don't believe me if you don't feel like it, but BB and I were twins in a past life. Go to hell if you feel like emailing me and telling me I'm stupid, but I've never felt a connection like that with someone before. All my life I've felt like I've been missing a twin and a brother, and I'd never felt so comfortable around anyone before. Blah. So what we decided is that BB is not mature enough to interpret the connection we have, and what he thought was a physical love is a spiritual one. So that's why he's all confused and pissed off at me. Or something. Funny thing is, I knew that already. I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't believe me, because he doesn't believe in reincarnation. Bleh. We went down to the shop and talked for a while about stuff. KS, for instance... I wish I didn't still miss him. Kind of. Ugh. I wish I could delete my emotions. I think I'd be much happier(?) then. Anyway so a lot of conversation was had. I felt better after, and went home... started thinking about KS though. I think about him too much. It's been a month already and I still want him back... he hasn't even spoken to me in a week. God I suck. SO... I went home. Asked my mom for boots. Eventually she said yes. Then we went to Sears to buy things. I got two pairs of jeans. THEY ARE BAGGY. I am scared. Why did I buy these? I can't wear them until I get my boots because they look stupid with the shoes I have now. Then I came home and found out that someone who shall remain nameless discovered my site's URL and was pasting its contents to an IRC channel full of other people I know. Sure, I already knew a couple of people I knew were coming here, and I ignored it... but that was inexcuseable. People I know in "real life" do not need to read this crap. Neither does anyone else, but at least they don't know how annoying I really am. Wednesday May 24th, 2000 - It was odd today. I slept through my class. I went downtown to see if I could talk to GJ at Choices before I went to my dentist's appointment, but they were closed. Then I ran into Jean while crossing the street. He came with me to find boots, since I was going to Aldo to see if they'd order some steel toed Doc Marten's for me. They wouldn't. Bastards. So we went to some shoe-fixing shop to see if they'd know where to find some. The guy said to try some store in Fan Tan Alley called Heart's Content. I went there. They had steel toed boots with 20 eyelets, but they were a different brand. Who cares? I tried on a pair. I fear they may be a tad too big... but I want them so badly! So I'll get them, unless my parents don't want to pay for them. Bastards. $256.50 for a pair of boots I've wanted for years and will probably continue to want for many years to come. Fuck. I want these fucking boots. Anyway then I went to the dentist where I got three cavities filled WITHOUT freezing. I'm so leet. Then I went to Jean's to play Unreal Tournament. It kept crashing, so when Jeremy came along, I went with him to see Mission Impossible 2. Mike and Chris and Heather were there too. We went to the 10:45 show. I saw SS at the theatre, I ran up to him and said hi, then ran away again really quick. I have MP3s of every VNV Nation album now. Soon I shall buy them. They're good. Yesss... Anyway I got home around 1:30. I tried to stay up all night since my class was at 8:30 and I can never get to sleep until like 7 for some reason (just this week). It's annoying. Of course, I fell asleep at like 6. God fucking damn it. Tuesday May 23rd, 2000 - Slept in today since I couldn't get to sleep until 7 AM last night. Skipped the first class of my double block. Went to school, got there just as lunch ended, wrote a bit more of my screenplay. Gave it to the teacher. She's examining it for appropriateness. I'd better get to shoot it soon, or I'll never get it shot and edited. Editing is scary. Today so far I've done nothing else interesting. Whee. Monday May 22nd, 2000 - No school today, it's Victoria Day. Unfortunately, I didn't do anything at all. I wasted it. Damn me. Sunday May 21st, 2000 - Today I did absolutely nothing until around 10 PM, when my incessant whining about wanting to play Unreal Tournament made someone come pick me up and let me use their computer until 2 AM. I drank some bad sake with black cherry cola. It was kind of good and bad all at once. Saturday May 20th, 2000 - I did acid and watched five episodes of Serial Experiments Lain today. It was four hits of that acid from last Friday, so it wasn't very good. Al and Jean were there, although they took their merry time showing up. Yes, then we watched five episodes of Lain. Good show. I want to see the rest. It's thirteen eps... We sat around a lot. Jer's mother made him go to the liquor store for her. He was already rather drunk, but for some reason we went anyway, and to McDonald's. Then we went back, drank more, smoked more (Jean and I smoked, anyway). Hmm. Not much else happened. JR passed out eventually. Then we all left and whatnot. I came home and talked to LR's girlfriend on ICQ for a few minutes. Eventually I went to sleep. Friday May 19th, 2000 - Today I went to school. AB wrote some more script for my... script. It's pretty good. Today I found out that BB hates me. He wouldn't tell me before, for some reason. IW said that it's not my fault and that BB did it all to himself. I don't know. I like to be to blame for things. I suck. The rest of this day, I sat around doing nothing useful. Life is so boring. Hopefully tomorrow Jeremy and I will watch Lain at Jean's house while I'm on acid. I hope it's at Jean's because then there'll be three people. I think three is the perfect number for anything. Except sex, but that's different. Three is perfect for anything platonic. PERFECT. Nothing can go wrong with three people. With two, it can get really fucking boring. Unless of course you take "fucking" literally. But for watching Lain on acid... three is good. Excellent. So I hope we watch Lain at Jean's. I might not go if we don't. I hope the acid isn't dead from lying under my bed for a week. It was liquid, on sugar cubes. So who knows. It wasn't very good to begin with. But I wrote all about that I think. The end. Thursday May 18th, 2000 - Since I got home at 2:30 AM last night, I slept through my class this morning. Well... I woke up halfway through it, but it takes me an hour to get to school, so my mom told me to go back to sleep. Then I woke up, sat around a while, and went to Jeremy's house. Heather and Mike were there. They watched Cowboy Bebop while I downloaded Depeche Mode MP3s onto Jeremy's computer. Then Heather left, and Mike left shortly afterward. Jeremy and I walked to Jeff's. Jeff's parents have lots of cable. We watched Election on some movie channel... I'd been wanting to see that for quite some time. Then some movie called Dad Savage came on. It had Patrick Stewart in it, playing some scary crazy guy. At least I think he was crazy. All I remember is him with a gun shooting and kids, and line dancing. I kind of fell asleep. Then it was over, Jeremy and I walked home. Got in around 1:30 AM. The end. Wednesday May 17th, 2000 - I don't remember what I did Wednesday. My parents came back, they brought me two HIM CDs (Razorblade Romance, Greatest Lovesongs Vol. 666). HIM is a really good band, from Finland. You can't buy thier CDs on this continent, so unless you're going to Europe, I suggest you find some MP3s right now. Wait... now I remember what I did on Wednesday... I went to see my counsellor (they make you do that when you try to kill yourself), and he bought me some Subway (I like seafood & crab). He drove me home after taking some posters to St. Andrew's and Colquitz schools (not in that order.) Then later this evening, Jeremy and Jean took me to see Battlefield Earth. I told them it was a bad idea, but since I wasn't paying, I didn't get to choose what we saw. I have never seen a movie with more continuity errors in my entire life. Enough said. Then we went back to Jean's and sat around for a while. Jean bought me a pack of smokes (I like Export A Gold right now.) I got home around 2:30 AM. Tuesday May 16th, 2000 - Went to school. In Writing class I decided to make my final project a video. It's a parody of the sporting shows on TV where they go hunting. We go set traps for rappers. It's cool. My teacher thought it would be offensive to people who listen to rap, so AB and I went around the school making rappers read the first four pages of my screenplay and surverying their responses. None were offended, and most went as far as to say it was funny. I guess that means I just rule. I hope to start shooting next week, since there's 27 days until the end of the school year. Meanwhile, after I got home, I found out that KS isn't fucking T (anymore) because she's dating Travis. So... um... yeah... or something. He's acting all pissed at me now. *sigh* I hate this. I just want him back. Emotions are so worthless. I feel dead inside. Like something inside me is rotting. I don't know if it's my ego, my id, my superego, my emotions, my mind, who knows. Rot, rot, rot. Monday May 15th, 2000 - Went to school at 9 in the morning even though my class isn't until 2. L told me that he talked to KS on ICQ. KS told him that T is just a fuck and chuck. Yeah, that makes me feel better. I'd rather he not fuck her at ALL, but no one seems to care that I'm upset. They just say "That's KS." as if the fact that he acts that way a lot should make me feel all better about it. I DON'T CARE IF HE'S A SLUT! I just want him back! But since he goes through women like kleenex, I'm supposed to just accept it and not bitch at all. HELLO? MY BOYFRIEND JUST DUMPED ME A SHORT TIME AGO! HE'S SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER GIRL ALREADY! I'M A LITTLE UPSET! IS THAT NOT UNDERSTANDABLE? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, PEOPLE! MC is growing cold. I don't think she likes me much at all anymore. I wish I had some actual friends within this group. I think there used to be people, somewhere, who understood me. Damned if I remember who they were, or where the hell they went.... Maybe they never existed. Perhaps I'm doomed to be misunderstood, or just forgotten. I'm invisible. People never see me. No wonder no one bothers to try and understand. Addendum After I sat around being miserable for a while, and more people kept not understanding, my ex-boyfriend from four years ago, MP, took me to play pool, since he decided I needed to get out. We drank from Red Devil drinks that are full of caffeine or something. The label looks like it says Red Evil. Evildevil666thisisatan'sdrink! I'm still depressed though, even if I got distracted for a little while. I got back in at 1:30 AM or so. Went online for a bit but no one was there. *sigh* Sunday May 14th, 2000 - It's 10:30 AM so I have not much to write about today except I woke up after missing Saturday entirely. I still don't feel very good. And as I wrote in Friday's entry (which I'm writing on S unday) I found out that KS is fucking T now. Addendum: I went to see Gladiator with my neighbors. I liked it. Saturday May 13th, 2000 - Today I slept all day long after SS drove me home around 11:30. Friday May 12th, 2000 - Went to school. Skipped my class for the third day in a row. Asked XB to join the people coming to do acid at my house, so I'd have someone to talk to. Then I picked her up at 7:30ish. We drank Hurricanes and everyone showed up early. SS, LR, KS, IW, a guy named Travis and a guy named Rick and a girl named T who I hate. KS had a great big bruise on his neck. I didn't think he'd be fucking someone else so soon. Really, even though he's a slut, I didn't think he'd be fucking someone else so bloody soon. I asked him who'd been chewing on his neck and he said "no one." Then I asked if the bruise appeared out of nowhere then and he said it had. XB said she couldn't see it, so I pointed it out to her. He scurried off after that. Don't know why he didn't just TELL me. I mean sure it's not my business anymore but... We all sat around my house for a bit, then we dropped and left. We went to SS's house... and went for a walk. It wasn't terribly exciting. Travis jumped off of something and fell into thorny bushes. We walked around some more, then went back to SS's. I figured it was T who KS was fucking now, and got stuck on some sort of "Keep her away from KS" trip. I clung to him all night, let him smoke my cigarettes (while I was holding them, that is) and followed him around a lot... I'm sure I bothered him quite a bit. XB left after a while to go to L's house. IW and Rick went somewhere to eat. Then, a while later, we went to Travis's house. Travis has some stupid and obnoxious roommates. They yelled a lot. I took some anti-psychotic. It didn't do much that I noticed, but the next day I couldn't move much. I don't want to finish this entry now since not much happened after that except we went back to SS's and T stayed at Travis'. Someone just let me know that she goes to KS's and comes back with hickeys on her neck, so I guess it must be her. Thursday May 11th, 2000 - Don't remember today except that I cleaned my house up a bit and found out that seven people would be coming over the next day to do acid. We didn't get any PCP. Wednesday May 10th, 2000 - I don't remember what I did today. Tuesday May 9th, 2000 - Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight, won't somebody help me chase the shadows away... I'm listening to The Sisters Of Mercy cover an ABBA song! Yay... Hey, guess what I get? ...No, guess... I bet you're not guessing... so I'll tell you... I GET PCP! YAY! I AM SO HAPPY IT'S PATHETIC! But who cares. PCP! Happy! SS, LR and KS are getting PCP. I get to give them money so they can get more... PCP rocks. Today I went to school, bored myself half to death, came home, MC phoned (I haven't seen her in WEEKS and WEEKS because for a while she wasn't at school, then she went to the hospital to get her tonsils removed... she's still not at school because she can't leave her house because she might get sick... she'll be back Friday.) Anyway she phoned, we talked for a w hile, I went to her house... her new house, since she moved. So we "hung out." I kept making her crystal thing that hangs from the cieling swing back and forth... it reminded me of a pendulum. She was glueing chunks of broken mirror to her dresser... it looks a bit like KS's cieling (I really like his room... other people think it's filthy... but the decor is interesting.) We had to put her little niece to bed. That was something of an ordeal. I like watching people interact though. Hmm... after a while, I was sitting there, she was glueing, and I was starting to brood... she asked me what I was thinking about, and I said "KS" (well no, I said his name, but whatever.) She asked me why, and I said "because." She said "Because you like him and you miss him?" And well... yep. She told me to "talk to the boy, maybe you can work it out." But I don't think that's the case... unfortunately... Hah... kind of funny that she was giving me advice on this, considering her opinion of him... Oh well... I wish I didn't miss him. MC showed me (well... she tried not to, but I grabbed it out of her hands) a picture of herself naked and duct-taped to the wall... I'm sure there's a story to go along with that, but she wouldn't tell me. Something I noticed is that every day I seem to understand American Psycho better and better... I believe I need to read the book... Patrick Bateman reminds me of me... Which is disturbing considering the incidents that took place in the movie... but I'm talking about... something else... I need to use less ellipses. Monday May 8th, 2000 - Went to school. Annoyed XB and L at break. I'm pretty sure they really don't like me now. Fuck them. Fuck everyone... I'm sick of people and their crap. Hopefully I'll be able to buy some acid tomorrow... AG said he'd get high with me... he doesn't like acid though, so he's going to do mushrooms. This probably won't happen, though. People are always saying they'll do stuff with me, and then changing their mind (be it at the last minute or quite in advance... it's still annoying.) My parents left for Germany today. They won't be back for ten days. They only left me $75. How the fuck am I supposed to survive for ten days on that? Even if I weren't going to spend like $40 on acid. They left me $50 when they went away like three days. SOMEONE can't multiply. I hope I die. I'll do like nine hits of acid and jump off of something big. I want some PCP. Really badly. Anyone in Victoria or Vancouver who can find me some? Email me! God I'd kill for some. I hope my parents buy some HIM CDs for me in Germany. I neeeed them. I want to give one to KS even though he's a prick. Either I suck or... I suck. Hm, which could it be. Sunday May 7th, 2000 - Sat around. First thing in the morning, LR, KS and SS all messaged me at once to tell me how great Gladiator was. FUCK YOU. It wasn't enough that you had to message me just to tell me you were going, you have to come back and tell me how fucking fantastic it was. OKAY, I FEEL SUFFICIENTLY EXCLUDED, SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW. That was about the highlight of my day. Saturday May 6th, 2000 - Sat around. Got fed up, and went downtown, hoping to find something to do. I went into a store, saw some guy who looked like how my friend Steve looked in grade nine (I haven't seen him since then) and when I came out, I intended to turn right and go to A & B Sound (a record store), but instead I decided to go left... I turned the corner and who did I run into but... Steven! I asked him if I could follow him about like a lost puppy, and he said okay. So I did that for about three hours, then he and his friend Greg went home. I was walking to the bus stop and I had to waste four matches to light my cigarette. Went home, LR messaged me from SS's house. (LR) hey you bored? (me) of course (LR) heh we're going to see Gladiator (me) well lucky you, that'll make about every single person i know who's seen it now. (LR) heheh go see it gotta go bye ...Wow. Thanks a lot for messaging me JUST to ask if I'm bored, then tell me you're going to a movie that I've wanted to see for weeks, that my friend DITCHED me to go see the night before, and then not invite me along. Thanks. THANKS A LOT, REALLY, I LOVE ALL OF YOU. Whores. I hope everyone dies. Yep. If you don't want to do anything with me, you don't have to rub it in. It's not like I don't already feel bad enough. OKAY! I GET IT! I SUCK AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND ME! AT LEAST SHUT UP ABOUT IT! Friday May 5th, 2000 - Today I went to school. AG said I might be able to get some acid from some girl on Monday. I bloody well better be able to. Then I went home, after getting some smokes... I saw XB on the bus. She and L are filming the grad cruise tonight. After I got home, I started looking for something to do, but KS was busy with SS and whoever. JR said I could come to a movie with him and his friends. Then his friends were busy, so he was going with different friends, and said I couldn't come. Fuck. So like, my last friend in the world ditched me just because he thought his other friend (who I'd seen just a few days before, and he'd been perfectly nice) wouldn't get along with me. So I got ditched. Just wonderful. I wish I didn't suck so much, so people would actually want to do stuff with me. Maybe I'll get lame enough to start bribing people with drugs to hang out with me. Thursday May 4th, 2000 - I didn't do anything today. I slept through my class, then sat around all day and night. God, my life is so boring. Wednesday May 3rd, 2000 - I went to class late today. I read more of Contact. Then... I annoyed L and XB for a while. Went to L's acting class. Bothered them more during lunch. I went to the dentist after that. I have *three* cavities! I haven't had a cavity in ten years, now I have THREE. Irritating. When I got home, MP picked me up and we went downtown. He gave me my shrooms that he owed me for taking him to a movie. I did them in his car... he SAID he wasn't going to take me home really early, but just as they hit me (a couple hours later), he said "I should take you home now, I want to get some sleep." We'd just watched The Nightmare On Elm Street... fantastic movie. Anyway... I got home, and I was really high, and I wanted to get out because I hate being high alone... being alone at ALL is bad, because if I'm alone with my thoughts for too long I start wanting to kill myself, but it's worse when I'm high. JR was busy, IW didn't want to to anything and KS was just being weird. Suddenly, XB came online. L was at her house, and after like half an hour of trying to not directly say "want to do something?" we finally decided to meet at the Tim Horton's near Save-On-Foods. At Tim Horton's, there were a bunch of noisy stupid people sitting outside. I stood far away from that place. Imagine, people HANGING OUT at Tim Horton's. Of course, we weren't much better... read on... There was a guy in a wheelchair sitting outside, smoking. That's all. Just smoking. Right in front of the door. One of the noisy people asked him if he wanted to go in. L heard the guy call him a bum. We laughed at that for a while. Then, the guy drove his wheelchair away from the store, toward us. He stopped like two feet away from us, at which point we slowly backed away... then made our way across the parking lot to Save-On. We went in, and some guy who worked there immedietly shouted "Hey folks!" at us. That bastard. L smelled some hairspray or something. Then he started playing with detergent and got it all over his hands. Then he ate some. I tried it too... it tasted kind of good, except for the soap. Of course it made us sick, so XB bought some Dr. Pepper. She got a Save-On-More card so she could get it cheaper. Then we went and sat on a bench outside. A guy on a bike came, and as he was locking it up, L look at one of the ads in the store windows. "Dude," he said, about to say something about one of them. The bike guy looked up, and L said "Oh, not you." Dude said "Funny you should say that, it's my middle name." Then as he walked into the store he sort of whispered to us "That's not true." I think he thought he was pretty damn funny. And that is the story of the guy who tried to tell us his middle name was dude. He probably went home to tell his children he fooled three stupid kids into thinking his middle name was dude. After a while, a guy wearing slippers walked past. He looked like a war veteran. A guy with a gigantic head also walked by. So did a guy with funny legs. Then, a guy in an ugly car pulled up. He parked in a no parking spot. He sat in his car for like ten minutes, looking out the window. He also looked at us funny when we laughed at him. Once he finally got out of his illegally parked car, he walked past us and made a very weird noise. When he came back, he sat in his car for another long time, until he finally waved at us and drove off. We should've called a tow truck on him. I don't remember much of what happened after that, except the walk home was long, and I thought to much. I nearly stepped in front of a car that came within eight inches of me, just because I'd depressed myself so damn much. I didn't have enough time to think about it, however. I hate being so depressed. No one wants to be around someone who's as depressed as I am, and then I get more depressed because the few people that I actually LIKE (not very many) don't want to deal with me. Isn't that pathetic? I hate people. Tuesday May 2nd, 2000- Yesterday I slept a lot more than usual. I'm getting bored with this already. I don't really remember what I did yesterday. I think I was bored a lot. No wait... I already WROTE about yesterday, yesterday. No wonder I don't remember what I was supposed to write. TODAY, I slept a lot. Yes. Then I went to school, went to class, was bored to death. AB talked to me during class. We were both very bored. He probably wants me. JD was asking me over and over again to sleep with him. He wanted to do it outside though. It's COLD out, and I think it was raining, too. Maybe I'll do it anyway... some other time though. I get an eighth of shrooms tomorrow. I kind of wish I hadn't told IW that I'd share with him. I kind of feel obligated to now, even though we don't have a place to do them. I'd rather do them with XB or L... Oh well... I won't care much once I'm high. I'm tired even though it's only 12. Usually I stay up much later... I haven't seen L on ICQ for days. I'll have to ask him why. I hate being bored all the time. Monday May 1st, 2000 - I went to bed at 5 AM this morning. I set my alarm for 8 AM. My mother wanted me out of the house so she could inventory everything in my room. I got up at nine, took a shower, and busied myself getting together everything I didn't want her seeing, so I could take it to school in my backpack while she went through all of my stuff. That included: sex related stuff (books and whatnot), stuff I drew and stuff I wrote. Went to school, got there at break (three hours before my last block class began). L and XB were there, DF asked them who was going to NIN with them... they both sort of motioned towards me, so I guess that means I'm going with them... I went to their Video Arts class for about five seconds, but then they were leaving with the teacher to go somewhere. I don't know what they were doing. I sat around, read Contact (by Carl Sagan) for a while... eventually block C, lunch and then the second C block ended, and I went to class. In that room, there are this bunch of encyclopedias from 1970. It is very, very amusing to read what they have to say about the USA, USSR, capitalism, communism, black people and the like. For instance: "Most Communists in freedom-loving countries today are suffering from a mental illness." It talks about how black people had been denied the privilege of selective breeding (because of slavery), so they've only had a hundred years to establish their high level of elite smart people, compared to the white men, who've had thousands. Everyone loves the United States, and people in Russia are just dying to get out. Communists are insane and/or suffering from guilt complexes, black people are stupid (but it's not their fault), and Capitalism is about the best idea ever. ...Just in case you wondered, I don't endorse any of this crap... Silly 1970s cold war encyclopedias. The "Illustrated World Encyclopedia," in case you wondered. Then school was over, I went home, I have a headache. I was talking on ICQ to KS last night... he actually bothered to say "goodnight." Usually he just leaves... I don't know why he's being so nice now that he's LEFT me. I mean... sure the courtesy of saying goodbye isn't exactly anything special, but still... I don't get it. People've started talking to me more. I don't get it. Everyone's suddenly being all nice to me. I think KS cheated on me. I think he's seeing another girl now too... I don't know how I could possibly find out though. I seriously doubt any of his friends would see fit to tell me, and surely he wouldn't tell anyone else, for fear of me finding out, then he'd look like a prick again. Sunday April 30th, 2000 - I was thinking today about writing, and how I get annoyed when I realise I haven't written down anything that's happened for a while. Like a few days ago, I noticed I hadn't written in my semi-journal for about ten days... that day my entry was "KS dumped me yesterday." Since KS and I were only together a month, and I hardly wrote about any of it, about all of our time together will be slowly forgotten... Then I talked to BB about journal writing... and decided to do this... Today I have to clean my room, or my mother will do it tomorrow... we're moving to Germany soon (two months) and so I have to make it neat and tidy so she can write down everything I own... that way, the movers will know what they lost when we get there. I say fuck it. Too much effort, just put everything in storage. I don't need any of this crap. I'll take my posters and my computer. My CDs too... the newer ones anyway. Dance Mix '93 I can live without. She's been telling me to do this for weeks, but every time she tells me I feel less like doing it. She screams at me about three times a day to do it. As if reminding me constantly (like I'm a complete idiot who'll forget all about it) will make me WANT to do this. And she acts like it's all for HER benefit... so if she's going to SCREAM at me, why would I want to do this immense favour for her? I decided what I want for my birthday now. Tickets to the M'era Luna and Doomsday Open-Air festivals. It'll cost about $130 (Canadian), I think... They're both in Germany, in August. The Sisters Of Mercy are playing both. The Doomsday fest is Skinny Puppy's reunion show! As far as I know, it's the only show they're doing. They're recording Back & Forth 5 there. They rock. I rock, because I'm going. I hope. Yesterday, I got floor tickets to the NIN show in vancouver. I think I'll write an entry for yesterday too, just because I remember it still. I tried to get drugs (mushrooms) today. Failed miserably. Curses. I haven't done anything else today, yet. Might do something with Jeremy and Jean later. Hopefully we'll watch Serial Experiments Lain, because I haven't seen that yet, and I like the opening theme. It's been quite some time now, and I've written entries for the past three days. 14597 characters. More than that now. Oh, right... Friday night I dyed my hair blue-black. The few inches of brown roots are bluer than what was black before, so it's black that shines blue... with some of it even more blue-y. Lon and Bret said it looked cool. I was afraid it would look stupid. April 29th, 2000 - NIN tickets went onsale at noon today. I talked to L on ICQ all night (for like eight hours). We plotted the best way to get floor tickets. We figured there would be enough people there for Ticketmaster to do their random number thing (they hand out random numbers to everyone, pick a number, and start the line at that number, with everyone lining up in the order of their numbers... so everyone has an equal chance of being first... but a just as good chance of being dead last, even if you showed up first.) So anyway... L was going to stand in line, and I was going to be at home trying to get tickets online with mommy's credit card. We were going to talk on his cell phone. Assuming that he wasn't first in line, we could probably get floor tickets over the internet (they'd sell fast... if there were even a few people ahead of him, the 2142 floor seats might be bought up right quick by the people at the 36 Ticketmasters surrounding Vancouver, the three in Victoria, and all of the people buying online and over the phone...). Well. There were about five other people in line for NIN tickets, and about five thousand wanting Dixie Chicks tickets. People CAMPED OUT for Dixie Chicks tickets. Twinkie girls were giving each other high-fives and squealing as they skipped away. That happened TWICE. L missed it both times. I wish I had a digital camera. (I'd gone downtown to meet L a few hours before they went onsale, so I could give him my cash.) We got bored after a while, the people buying Dixie Chicks tickets had gone, and there was noone else to make fun of. We had about $5.25... so walked a block to Chinatown to buy Super Lemon candy. Then we went to some British candy store and got these things called flying saucers... they were like communion wafers sealed together on the edges (with a space in between) and filled with some sour powder. They were great. At about 11, I went home so I could be online when the tickets went onsale. At about 10 to noon, L called, so we'd know when one of us got tickets first. About five to noon, I went to get the portable phone so I could sit at the computer and still talk. I came downstairs again, and L wasn't on the phone anymore. I panicked, not knowing whether to buy tickets or not, because I didn't know if he was getting them. If we both bought them, we'd owe my mom $167 (well... I would). I tried to get tickets anyway, knowing that they hold them for five minutes (to give you time to type in your credit card information and whatnot), hoping that L would call back before the time ran out... He didn't. I went back, to see if they'd managed to sell out... tried to get three more (we were getting tickets for me, him and his girlfriend XB... he was buying them both for their third (month) anniversery... isn't he a darling?)... there were not three floor tickets left! I panicked some more, went back and tried to get ONE... just in case L was stuck buying seats. I wondered if I really wanted one, if I were the only one getting one... would I ditch XB and L, leaving them to sit in seats, squinting down at everyone on the floor, trying to hear the music, getting high off the fumes of drugs from below? I don't know... I probably wouldn't have... but I was panicking. I could buy ONE ticket... I filled in the credit card information, and was about to hit send, when the phone rang. It was L, letting me know that we had gotten the LAST THREE FLOOR TICKETS. Everyone in line after us (starting with the orange haired girl that I gave candy and a drag from my cigarette to) got seats. HAH! YOU ALL SUCK! WE HAVE FLOOR TICKETS FOR NIN! WE OWN YOU! L and I were happy. I went downtown to pick up my ticket. Some fat woman sat on the edge of my jacket. I didn't care. I tried to drag it out from underneath her, she didn't notice. I consoled myself with the thought... "I HAVE A FLOOR TICKET FOR NIN!" I met L, he was on the wrong side of the Eaton's Centre (I said View Street entrance, he thought I said Broad St. (he was on Fort Street anyway)). We should've high-fived each other like the Dixie twinks. We squealed, though. The person on the bench next to him looked at us funny as we screamed about our NIN tickets. We went to Off The Cuff (some weird pothead store) to brag to the people that worked there (I don't pretend to understand why we did that). We went in, asked some guy if he was a big NIN fan, he said no, not really... we said "oh." and explained that we were looking for someone to brag to about our tickets. Then L asked the guy if he was a Tool fan, and he said he loved Tool, so we told him A Perfect Circle (Maynard from Tool's side project) was opening for NIN. He at least SEEMED impressed. We walked out of the store to A&B Sound to look at NIN CDs. They had the Closer single for like $31. We looked at Tool CDs, I showed him a Sisters Of Mercy CD, we left A&B Sound. I smoked while we stood outside, trying to think of what to do. L said I could kick him in the shins and he wouldn't feel it, because he was so high on adrenaline. I was too... it was neat. I pushed him. He fell backwards and sort of grinned and said "Bring it on!" Then some guy who was fairly obviously and undercover cop came and asked us for drugs. He was towing around some kid who must've been busted for something and doing community service (or something). Lon said he didn't know where to get drugs this time of day. Do Lon and I look like drug dealers? Kids, dressed in black, downtown, SMOKING! Must be drug dealers! We then walked to BB's house to show off to him. We passed T's mother, on the way. I'd never met her, so Lon told me about the time T's mom chased the bus to find out where T was going. She chased it on foot, got on, asked T where she was going, then got her car and FOLLOWED the bus to make sure T GOT there. She was going to BB's house, which was a few blocks away from T's. After a while, we passed T's house, didn't go there (I've only met T once, and L doesn't like her because since she met XB, she's tried to become a perfect clone of her. She once talked about how my underwear wasn't very "gothic". Like I'd INTENDED for a picture to be taken up my skirt.) After what must've been half an hour or forty minutes of walking (normally I could never be convinced to walk that far, but I was on such an adrenaline rush... ew, I think I even tanned while I was out there) we got to BB's house. He was just about to go out, but asked us in anyway. L called his house and asked for a ride, but no one was there (I think). He decided to walk to XB's. BB was going out to get drunk with CC. We sat and talked for a bit, about BB's message board, penguins, NIN tickets, walking and whatnot. We walked to BB's bus stop with him, SAW the bus when we were about a block away... had to wait for the next one. L gave me my NIN ticket and the little Ticketmaster envelope thing to put it in (since he had his backpack to put the others in... I was afraid of dropping mine or bending it or ripping it or something). They talked about movies I hadn't seen. The bus came, L walked, I took it since it went close to my house. BB got off the bus, I started to cry as it passed KS's house... I hope no one saw me. Then after we were long past KS's, I almost fell asleep a few times (hadn't slept in quite a while by then). Got off the bus, waited about seven minutes for a bus to take me four stops (it would've been a ten minute walk... I'd rather wait ten minutes than walk ten minutes). Then I went on the internet to brag. Katlin got floor tickets too, though. I was kind of hoping he wouldn't... only kind of... oh well... Steve and Mike both got seats... sections 105 and 107, I believe. After a little while, I went to sleep (around 6 or so). I put a Skinny Puppy CD on. Every time I woke up that night (a few times), Warlocked was playing. Weird. Friday, April 28th, 2000 - KS dumped me yesterday. I'm somewhat depressed now. I'm writing this on the 30th. I think Friday I went to JR's, watched half of my Queen Emeraldas DVD (I don't have a DVD player yet, I'm going to buy one in Europe). I thought it was boring... I was hoping for something more interesting, but I only watched half. The rest another time. Not happy. Certainly not by any stretch of the imagination. Even as I write this (on the 30th, remember), still not happy. Thursday, April 27, 2000 - I don't remember this day too well, anymore. I went to KS's, got there around 10 AM. He was sleeping. Pulled me close, put his arms around me, cuddled with me for about three hours. He held my hand, kissed me on the cheek... who would do this for THREE HOURS with someone they'd decided to break up with the night before? I don't care HOW close to being asleep you are, it just doesn't make much sense... after a while, he started being weird again. Saying cryptic meaningless things. I asked him eventually, if he was trying to piss me off until I broke up with him. He looked startled for about half a second, then said "Do I look like the kind of person who would do that?" I said yes. He said something like "Yeah, well... While I was crying like a little girl, he was saying things like "I don't know how to comfort people, do you think I usually stick around after I break up with someone? No, I get out of there as fast as I can." I can't remember what I asked then, but it was something about why he was bothering to try and comfort me, or why he wasn't kicking me out or something... he said I was a special occasion or something. Right, I'm special, so be NICE while you break up with me... sure... he says he still wants to be friends. I don't know why. If he fucked and chucked me like every other girl he's dated or had sex with (probably dozens and dozens), I don't know why he'd still want to be friends. I walked to school, I don't know why. I think I was looking for L... I wanted to tell him that KS dumped me, because we'd been talking about it the night before... he was trying to get KS to tell him why he was acting weirdly, by asking him how we were. KS told him to ask me, saying he was too lazy to explain it. He also said that if Lon asked me, he "didn't know me." I said "I hope he's not just saying that to avoid telling you he's going to break up with me." L said he just thought KS figured I'd say bad stuff about him... I agreed that made sense, but thought to myself "He's going to dump me tomorrow." But of course, after three hours of him snuggling up to me with his head on my shoulder and holding me tightly I figured I was mistaken... shows how smart I am. I got to school (rather, the bus stop on the other side of the field) and noticed that school had just gotten out. I figured I wouldn't be able to find L then, and decided to just take the bus that would be coming in a few minutes. I got downtown, and was going to find a washroom in the Eaton's Centre when I ran into Shamus. I hadn't seen him in about a year, so I didn't recognise him at first. Last I checked, he hated me, but here he was saying hi to me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I suppose. I told him I'd just been dumped (in my hysteria, I said it was "about 30 minutes ago" rather than three hours), and got him to buy my cigarettes for me. I didn't smoke last week. I probably won't smoke next week. But this week I smoke. Stress, you know? Then I went home. Cried a lot. A LOT. Told L and XB (at once... he was on ICQ talking to her on the phone). XB said "You didn't sleep with him, did you?" Of course I did. But I told her "I neither confirm nor deny? Something about how you phrased that makes me feel defensive..." I am not happy. Not happy. Not happy... |
